


if you love them you'll move on

by orphan_account



Category: Banana Bus Squad
Genre: Angst, Gen, M/M, author screaming through delirious because he's an idiot coward, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-29
Updated: 2019-12-29
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:28:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21998275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: suppose this is a projecting vent fanfic. shit hurts and i cant talk to anyone about it, we're going back to my fanfic roots.not beta read, immediately posted after writing. im sorry for low quality.
Relationships: Evan Fong/Jonathan | H2ODelirious
Comments: 7
Kudos: 25





	if you love them you'll move on

Another night of standing around in the dark, fumbling for someone to take his mind off it. It shouldn't have affected him as much as it did, but it fucking hurt.

Delirious gripped his sheets without much thought - it was a sickly feeling, one that you'd get whenever you knew something bad was going to happen. This sort of... unknowing anxiety that ate away at his guts, amplified by fuckin' 200x every night he laid down to hear the crickets wail. He'd wail with them full of guilt for the display he'd made of himself when he thought of Evan.

He should be happy though, shouldn't he?

Evan found a girl again. Initially, he was so fucking happy. His best friend finding a girl, finding someone to love? God, he smiled from cheek to cheek and congratulated him through voice call. Evan sounded happier than he had in years and the man he'd fallen in love with returned, this bubbly and beautiful man stuttering and giggling like a schoolgirl. 

\- fallen in love. He forgot he loved Evan too. It was funny. He began laughing quietly to himself during the conversation but fortunately, Evan paid no mind. He probably thought Delirious was laughing at his antics and laughed back with more vigor. It wasn't funny but he didn't know what else to do.

So for that moment, it was very funny that he fell in love with his best friend that just happened to have a girlfriend. Hilarious, fucking comedy gold. 

After the call dropped, he dropped with it. No matter how loudly he cried, nothing would change. He fell in love with someone who realistically, would never see him the same way and he wanted to pull his fucking heart out and stomp on it. It was a sick, cruel joke no matter how he looked at it and sometimes it felt like he was choking on the pressure to hide it. Truth be told, he confessed his feelings a while back. He had, and it had gone so well, Delirious didn't know how to respond. Evan only chuckled and told him he'd love him no matter what, that his feelings were respected. And they were, Evan had never tried to poke at him for it. Delirious loved him and that was that, not the butt of a joke or anything shared with the other guys. It was something personal between him and Evan, tightening their relationship closer.

So, when it still hurt he felt selfish.

He wanted to hold his hand and tell him he loved him. He wanted him to feel the same way, but things don't always work out like that do they? They always say they do, but he'd learned the hard way. It felt fucking maddening to see him every single day and know it still hurt. Some days it would be gone, though. Those were good days when Delirious could unwind and talk freely with Evan about the mundane shit in their lives. None of it mattered, to be honest, but it was good with Evan- that much Delirious understood. Shitty days were quite the opposite but he still did his best to make himself present in Evan's life. It hurt to be around him at times, the still fresh hole in his heart not quite fixed yet and sometimes getting bigger just talking to him but he wouldn't say anything. It wasn't his place. It was selfish and childish at best, but hiding the pain never helped either so it turned to days of moping and watching porn to fix the feeling. It never helped. He'd end up crying at the end of the day and feel shittier than he did the day before. It was selfish, so fucking selfish. 

Evan wouldn't need to know though. He laid in bed and draped his arms around his pillow as if embracing it. It was 4 in the morning and he couldn't sleep much, but he felt okay. Evan didn't have to know any of this because if he did, he'd feel responsible - which Evan was not. Evan would be happy with his girlfriend, happy with his life, and happy without knowing. Whether or not Delirious could have the same, he didn't know but he fell asleep pondering it.

One day, maybe just one fucking day, someone will love him as much as he loved Evan.

**Author's Note:**

> we're coping badly boys, i am pathetic and unlovable. this has been my ted talk.


End file.
